Monthly Bible Study

A Wife’s Responsibilities

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Most couples enter into marriage with huge expectations of one another and the marriage itself. Some think that once you get married, love conquers all, and as long as you still love each other, everything will be just fine. That however is a bunch of lies sold to us by Hollywood. Marriage can be difficult but if we follow God’s rule book, we will find it to be easier than we anticipated. One of the most important rules God has for the wife is to submit to her husband. I know the women of today cringe when they hear the word submit, but let’s talk about what that means and doesn’t mean. Submission does not mean that the wife becomes a slave, it doesn’t mean that she is not allowed an opinion and it doesn’t mean that she becomes inferior to her husband. What submission looks like in a marriage, it is the wife’s responsibility to control her submission, not her husband’s, it is her responsibility to submit because God says it’s mandatory for her, and it involves her attitude as well as her actions. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Ephesians 5:22-23. God gives us rules to follow not only in marriage but also in our relationship with Him. The husband is responsible for his family and while the wife is to be submissive to him, he is to be submissive to God. To go against your husband is to go against God.

Another main role for the wife is for her primary ministry to be her husband. As we look back to the garden we see that God created woman FOR man. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. Genesis 2:21-22. Adam needed a helper and Eve was specifically created for that reason. If wives aren’t there to encourage their husbands and help them stay on track with the Lord, who else will? Wives and husbands are also a team, so it benefits nobody if the two are constantly working against each other. Don’t let the devil get an inch of space in between you and your spouse.

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Leaving Your Parents

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Why are there so many unhappy and unfulfilling marriages these days even among Christians? It’s most likely because we do not follow God’s blueprint for a marriage. In the book of Genesis, we see that right after God makes woman from Adams flesh, His first command to them is to leave their parents. That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Genesis 2:24. Since this is the first order of business from God, it is most likely pretty important, but what does it look like for us? As a child, we are instructed to honor and obey our parents. We look to them for wise Godly counsel, they give us rules to follow and consequences when they are not. It is their obligation to provide food and shelter. We spend a great deal of time under our parent’s roof, obeying their rules, etc. This can often lead to grown children feeling that they still need to please their parents. We still want to make sure that they approve of our spouse, our job choices, where we live, etc. But once we are married that dynamic changes drastically. After marriage our first loyalty should still remain with God, our spouse becomes second in line and then parents fall into third place. We must be more willing to do what makes our spouse happy rather than our parents. For those of us who always try to please people (me) this can be quite the challenge.

Once married, a husband and wife commit themselves to one another and promise to take full responsibility for their marriage despite what problems may arise during that relationship. Jesus reminds the Pharisees of this when they start questioning Him about divorce. He tells them, But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female. ’‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Mark 10:6-9. In many ways getting married is like becoming a Christian. We leave our old ways behind and make a personal commitment to the Lord that we will follow in His ways no matter how bad things on this Earth get. The path of being a Christian is never easy, nor is being married. In both situations we are required to put others before ourselves, we are asked to sacrifice things that we love or want, and we definitely don’t always get our way. However, we are promised that if we remain faithful and finish the race, our reward will be great. Sometimes we won’t get to see those rewards while we are here on Earth, but I promise you, any reward from God is going to surpass any difficulties we endure in this life. So finish the race, my friends, whether it’s in your Christian walk or in your marriage, God is waiting for you at the finish line.

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Don’t Lose Heart

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As each new year rings in, it is one more year that your marriage has continued to grow and mature. As married Christians we have the extraordinary honor of watching each other grow spiritually and watching our inner selves become more renewed day by day while our outer selves decay. How is it that both things can happen simultaneously? It’s an adventure in irony, made possible by the gospel, the only real treasure in our brittle jars of clay. From an earthly standpoint, as we age, our bodies are in worse shape than ever. Our minds are fading day by day, our bodies are failing us more and more, and it keeps on this trajectory until we go home to be with the Lord. Is there any comfort we can take in this irony? Paul says, For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 2 Corinthians 4: 11-12.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. Paul reminds us to not lose heart and that these troubles that we face are momentary. When you are dealing with troubles in your marriage, it doesn’t feel momentary, after all, aren’t you supposed to stay married until death do you part? Will the day come when God asks us to suffer with a spouse, to love and care for them through a trial?

Remember that even our trials in this life are momentary. Remember when Jesus was hanging on the cross listening to the two thieves on either side of Him? Finally one of them realizes who Jesus is, telling the other thief, We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”
Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”
Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.” Luke 23:40-43.
Did you see that, Jesus knew His suffering was temporary and He and this man would both be in heaven shortly? The same is true for us. All the suffering of this life is only temporary and one day we will close our eyes and when we open them again we will be in the presence of the Lord. Marriage in this life is preparing us for the marriage we will be a part of in Heaven. The Marriage Supper of the Lamb. Our marriages here are an imperfect picture of what we are looking forward to enjoying in an eternal relationship with our savior. No matter what you are going through in your marriage, remember this earthly marriage is flawed and imperfect but one day Christ will return for His bride and we will have a wedding feast like no other. Along with an awesome wedding celebration, we will have a perfect marriage with Christ, so finish the race, don’t lose heart, and keep your eye on the prize (Jesus).

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Our True Enemy

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Our true enemy we often think is our spouse, after all, he is the one constantly sinning against us. But why when our spouse sins against us, do we automatically become the judge, prosecutor, court recorder, and jury? We become self-righteous and could never imagine committing such a grievous sin ourselves. We begin to mentally assign a motive to the crime and leave no room for the defendant – our spouse – to plead his case before an unbiased jury. Have you ever said the words to your spouse, “I don’t deserve this” or “How could you think of doing such a thing?” I know I have. We immediately act as if never in a million years would I, miss self-righteousness, commit a sin so bad as that one. Our self-righteous attitudes and behaviors can become a cancer in our marriage and if not handled appropriately will lead to the death of a marriage. Jesus warns us about becoming self righteous. He tells us that to some who were confident of their righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Luke 18:9-14.

Even though we have all caught ourselves being self-righteous, the good news is that mercy triumphs over all. because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment. James 2:13. This is not only true for our relationship with our spouses but also our relationship with God. If you think your spouse sins against you frequently, think about how frequently you sin against God. God extends so much kindness and mercy to us, especially when we don’t deserve it, but He also uses our weaknesses to help grow and strengthen us in our Christian walks. Have you been thinking all along that we have been defending ourselves to you? We have been speaking in the sight of God as those in Christ; and everything we do, dear friends, is for your strengthening. 2 Corinthians 12:19. Let’s use God’s words and examples to help build up our spouse, encourage them in the way of the Lord, and strengthen them where they are weak. Grant mercy and forgiveness to your spouse just as God grants them to you. 

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Mercy

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God’s mercy includes His kindness, patience, and forgiveness towards us. Think of this, He knows everything we think, say, and do, and yet His mercy extends to us even when we don’t deserve it. So if God is merciful to us, even in our darkest of situations, we must think of how we are merciful to our spouses. Or what about the question, why show mercy to your spouse when you know it’s only a matter of time before he sins against you again? Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23. God’s love never runs out on us, nor does His forgiveness or mercy, therefore we should never run out of any of these for our spouse. Having these God-given attitudes towards our spouse tell them, I know you are a sinner like me, I know that you will sin against me, just as I will sin against you, but I refuse to live constantly on the defense. Instead, I am going to live from a place of mercy that your sin can not take away from me. It is easier to forgive and show mercy when you are already expecting to give those things out. Often we struggle the most with unexpected things. So why do we not expect our spouse to sin against us? Jesus is the only sinless one and we won’t be His bride until the end of the age, so get used to having a sinful spouse, just as he has dealt with his sinful spouse (you).

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:12-13. Kindness is a posture of the heart that flows out of our actions, this behavior in marriage causes us to be others-focused instead of self-focused. Sometimes it is easier to know our triggers from our spouse so hopefully, our buttons don’t get pushed as frequently. Discuss with your spouse what patterns of sin are causing consistent problems and arguments in our marriage. Then, discuss biblical ways of dealing with these problems, i.e. what would Jesus do in this situation. So the next time your spouse sins against you, because you know he will, you have an entire arsenal of appropriate responses to the particular situation. Forbearance is another expression of mercy that can cover both big and little sins. Forbearance however does not mean ignoring or hiding the sin, it means we choose to overlook the sin and wipe the slate clean, offering the same kind of grace of forgiveness that God gives us. Jesus gives us a variety of options for how to deal with sinful people, so when all else fails, open your bible and ask Jesus how to handle the sin/forgiveness issue.

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Unmet Expectations

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Life is full of unmet expectations. After all, I expected to be a princess, living in a palace with a bunch of horses and of course, my prince whom I am happily married to, and we never ever fight. Sure that sounds ridiculous to most people, but how do our normal expectations compare and the scale of ridiculousness? Did we imagine that our marriage would be void of any arguments? Did we expect to get married and live happily ever after? Do we expect our husbands to be perfect, never sinning, never making us angry, etc? What unrealistic expectations do we have for our marriage and/or our husbands? Many of our fights as husband and wife start because someone expected things to go a certain way and they didn’t. What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have to because you do not ask God. James 4: 1-2. How many times do we simply not ask God for what we want because we “don’t want to bother Him”? I know I do that all the time. But there is a big difference between needs and wants. I WANT to live in a castle but what I NEED is shelter. I WANT things to go my way all the time but what I NEED is to follow God’s way. When we don’t get what we want, we tend to throw an adult size tempter tantrum, stomp our feet, pout, then lay on the floor and cry but how often do we notice that even though we don’t have what we WANT, we have everything we NEED.

Oftentimes times we fight with our spouse because we think we have some unmet need, but in reality, God has our needs covered. We argue and get angry because we don’t get what we WANT. We want, we desire, we crave and all these emotions if left unchecked can turn into unmet passions that may or may not even be legitimate. Stop looking to your spouse to fulfill all your passions and desires. Your husband is there to lead you in the way that God commands him. And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19. Needs are not wrong, we all have them. They serve as a daily reminder of how weak we are and how we need God every second of every day. But we must maintain a hard line in the sand between wants and needs. We also cannot expect our husbands to fulfill every want and need that we have. He is a flawed human being just like you and me. Don’t put that kind of pressure on your husband. Don’t worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks for what you have. And because you belong to Christ Jesus, God’s peace will stand guard over all your thoughts and feelings. Philippians 4:6-7 

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The Betrayal of Sin

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As we talked about last week, we are born sinners and even when we want to do good, our sin nature always comes creeping back into our lives. But if we know that sin is bad and we want to live God-honoring lives, why do we keep letting sin back in? Sin is very sneaking, it’s alluring and it seems harmless at the time. We don’t go walking into a situation knowing all the consequences, we think everything will be fine and there will be no pain or destruction. Sin comes from Satan and he is crafty, deceitful and most of all wants us separated from God. Satan uses lies that tickle our ears and excite our flesh to convince us the sin he is dangling in our faces will not hurt us or anyone else whom we love. Jesus warns us about Satan when he says in John 8:44, You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. Jesus is very straightforward about the devil because he is dangerous. Jesus warns us about the devil because He wants us to know how to stand guard against him, how to protect ourselves, and how to recognize a sinful temptation before it becomes a problem. Sin and all of its temptations can enter our marriages in the form of lusting after another man, coveting what our neighbor has, that we don’t, or being hard-hearted and choosing not to forgive.

Even though we battle sin every day in our relationships with our spouses, we must remember that the war has already been won. What would our battles look like if we fought from a place of victory rather than constantly feeling defeated? “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33. Jesus wants us to have peace, not to try to fight a battle that has already been won. We don’t want to focus our time and energy on that when we should be focusing our time and energy on spreading the gospel and looking more like Christ every day. Your enemy is not your spouse. Think of your spouse as a part of your platoon. Don’t injure your fellow soldiers with friendly fire, stay focused and keep your eyes on your real enemy, the Devil, and his schemes. We can help stay focused by staying in God’s word, remembering His promises to us, and testing the things that we see and hear. God loves you and wants to protect you from sin and its harmful consequences. Seek Him, listen to Him, and obey Him.

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The Spirit is Willing but the Flesh is Weak

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Have you ever wondered why you are nicer to your co-workers than you are to your spouse? What about how you extend so much grace to the family behind you at church rather than your children? Maybe it’s because we care too much about what people think of us. We certainly don’t want our co-workers, or fellow churchgoers to know what we are really like. How quickly I can lose my temper, or how judgmental I am deep down. You would think that the person who we love most in this world, we would want to treat the most loving, but that is not normally what happens. If you are beating yourself up right now, don’t. Humans have had this problem since the beginning of time. Leading up to Jesus’ crucifixion he asked His disciples to pray, He was about to be put on trial and murdered, but what did the disciples do? They continually fall asleep. Really, who could sleep at a time like this? Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Matthew 26:40-41. In our human-ness, we are so weak and frail. It literally doesn’t take more than 24 hours without food, water, or sleep for people to completely unravel. This is why we need Jesus because, without Him, we can do nothing on our own.

Even Paul, as wonderful as he was after his conversion, still struggled with his sinful nature. He says in Romans 7:18-19 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. We, just like Paul are in a constant state of rebellion against God. We are proud, selfish, and self-exhaulting, and that’s on a good day. So how do we handle this kind of rebellion? Just like Paul, we take full acceptance of our sinfulness and maybe even declare ourselves to be the worst. Then our problem is no longer our spouse, but us. When you think of yourself as the worst of sinners, you now lean towards extending huge amounts of grace to your spouse for having to put up with you. We start extending grace the way Jesus does. When we put ourselves in last place, everyone else becomes more important to us than us. Matthew 20:16 “So the last will be first, and the first will be last.” So put yourself last today and see what God does with your heart.

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How Do You Know?

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How do you know if the one you are about to marry is the one? The divorce rate in America is over 50%, how do you know, yours won’t be one of them? How do you know with so much to agree on and all the intricate parts of marriage, that yours will stand the test of time? The fact is, the only one who knows is God, but if you and your husband keep God at the center of your marriage, your outlook is much brighter. You see right after God created the world, He made Adam but didn’t want him to be alone so then He made Eve and joined them together in marriage. Marriage is so important to God that He created it right away, as soon as one man and one woman inhabited the Earth. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones

 and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called ‘woman,’

 for she was taken out of man.”

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Genesis 2:22-24. 

 In the New Testament, you will learn that the church is Jesus’ bride and we are getting ready for an amazing wedding ceremony when He returns. So why do we have to worry about our relationships, when God is the designer of marriage? If you keep reading Genesis you will see it didn’t take long for sin to enter the world, and that my friends is where things start to fall apart. But don’t you fret your pretty little head, God has made a way out of every problem for us, even death. So we cling to Jesus with all of our might and hold fast to His promises.

So when you fight with your spouse, consider a few things about who you are, and who Christ is. First Jesus had to come to Earth to save us from our sin. Paul tells us in Romans 3:23, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. That means we are all sinners, we all are tempted, we all fall into sin. So don’t think when you are arguing with your spouse that you are the better Christian and that you are a perfect angel from God. Secondly, only God is perfect, and even though God is perfect and we are sinners, He still continuously forgives us. There is not a time where as believers, we ask for forgiveness and He replies with, just give me some time, or I’m still so mad at you. No, His response is always immediate forgiveness. So forgiveness for our spouses should look the same. We should never hold back on love or forgiveness because God never holds those things back from us. Third God is long suffering. Think about the Israelites in the desert or how humanity constantly turns their backs on God, yet he keeps calling us home and forgiving us. Our relationship with our spouse should be the same way. We should never grow tired of loving and forgiving them. Of course, all these are impossible to achieve without God’s help. So seek Him today. Seek His strength, His love, His gentleness, and His forgiveness. None of these things will guarantee you a perfect marriage, but through Christ, all things are possible.

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Pleasing God

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The ultimate question is, how can we lead full and amazing lives while also living a life that is pleasing to God? Sometimes the two seem to be polar opposites of one another. Paul tells us, “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God”. 1 Corinthians 10:31. To live a life that is pleasing to God and gives him all the glory, we must glorify Him in our heart of hearts. It doesn’t matter if you are a stay-at-home mom cleaning up after the kids all day long, or some high-powered executive making impactful decisions. God can be glorified in all situations. Even when you think nobody is looking because someone is always watching. One of the most pleasing things for God is when we offer our life to His will. Putting God in the driver’s seat can be very scary and intimidating. What if He takes us down a road we don’t want to go, or one with a lot of twists and turns because you know how I get car sick? Whether you get car sick or enjoy the ride, all states of being can be used for God’s glory.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12: 1-2. God’s will for our lives is perfect, even if it produces suffering, God can still be glorified. Are you willing to follow God’s will, even if it means suffering in the process? Are you willing to follow God and follow His commands in your marriage even when it means life isn’t turning out the way you thought? You see when we follow Christ in our marriage it doesn’t mean that we automatically win every argument, that every major life decision goes our way, or that we will never be wrong. What it means is marriage is still going to have its challenges, but when we fall back on Christ, He will either tell us to keep going or maybe we need to reconsider some things, humble ourselves, and ask for forgiveness. There is not one place in the bible where you will see, and follow Christ and all your cares, worries, and struggles will disappear. What you will see however is where Christ promises you He will never leave you or forsake you and at the end of this race, when we get to the finish line of life, Christ will great us home saying “Well done good and faithful servant” 

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