Monthly Bible Study

Dealing With Sin

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There will always be some sort of sin in our marriage because we are sinful people, living in a sinful world. For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23. But everyone’s sin looks different. Some sin you wouldn’t even know is around because it is hidden so well, but no sin can be hidden from God. So the issue becomes not what to do or how to handle if your spouse sins against you, but WHEN your spouse sins against you. We don’t have a lot of control over everything in this world but we do have control over how we respond to different situations. When your spouse sins against you, whether he asks for forgiveness or not, you should graciously bestow forgiveness on him. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32. That is much easier said than done, you don’t know what he has done to me. True some sin can be life-shattering, but put it in the perspective of how you sinned against Christ. Your sins nailed Him to that cross. It was because of your sin that He was beaten, mocked, and betrayed. That is what your sin did to the King of Kings.

Now the bright side, is that we all feel utterly depressed now. The good news is you have been forgiven, wiped clean and since we have been forgiven of so much, we need to further extend that love and grace to our spouses. Remember the parable of the Unforgiving Servant in Matthew 18:21-35. The story of a servant who was forgiven a massive debt, only to refuse forgiveness to another servant who owed a relatively small debt. That is what our debt against Jesus is like compared to our spouse’s sin against us. But since we also sin against our spouse and need forgiveness, we can start at the very beginning and try to get rid of the ways we sin. It all starts with controlling your sinful thoughts. Be aware when you are thinking thoughts that are selfish, vengeful, bitter, or in any way biblical. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. Luke 6:45. So if your mouth is an overflow of your heart. Change what is in your heart. Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives’ tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. 1 Timothy 4:7. If you focus on being more Godly and filling your mind with scripture and songs of praise to our Lord, that will become all you can think and talk about. So fill up on God’s word and watch your behavior and thinking change right before your eyes

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We Need Protection

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God is perfect and in his perfect creation of marriage, he put man in charge of his wife. Paul lays that out for us in 1 Corinthians 11:3 But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ. But don’t worry ladies, no husband has absolute authority over his wife. For example, if your husband asks you to sin, you are not obligated to obey him. You are obligated to obey God first. God put you completely under His law for your protection. Our spouses are only human just like us. They are sinful and they make mistakes. Some husbands are not even believers so their judgment on following God’s word may not always hit the mark, even though they may have the best of intentions. This is why God is our ultimate authority because He is perfect and pure. When we get saved, we go through a process called sanctification, this is where the holy spirit helps mold us into more Christ-like people. Ultimately God wants it so when other people look at us, they see God. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. Romans 8:29

The order of authority is very clear to us throughout scripture but sometimes I wonder why we need the order. Not only is God perfect in His creation but he is also perfect in why He wants things done a certain way. As women, we can be more vulnerable to the lies that this world hurls our way. Finally, be strong in the Lord and the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. Ephesians 6:10-11. The devil is constantly throwing lies our way to see which one of them we will believe and then fall away from God. If you have witnessed some of the deceitful ways the Devil tries to scheme against us, you might want to open your eyes because they are everywhere. Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8. If the devil is constantly prowling around looking for someone to devour, we can safely assume it is the weaker of us, the women and children. So ladies let your husband protect you, seek his advice and his wisdom but above all, test what your husband says and does against the word of God. God is our ultimate protector.

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Being a Fulfilled Wife

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How do you find joy and fulfillment in this world when there are so many troubles lurking around every corner? God gives us a wonderful list to follow, and if we choose to follow it, even though our circumstances may be difficult, we will have a sense of peace and joy that can only come from our heavenly Father. The first item on the list is to not let our minds and bodies be idle. We were created for work. She looks for wool and linen, And works with her hands in delight. Proverbs 31:13. When we are busy about the Lord’s work, or using the gifts that He has blessed us with, we will find our ultimate joy. Even in the Garden of Eden, God gave jobs to Adam and Eve. These jobs changed when sin entered the world and God said that we would toil for our work, but that still doesn’t mean work can’t be rewarding and fulfilling. Everyone’s work looks a little different, some are called to work outside the home, while others are called to work inside the home. No matter what your calling is, one thing is clear. Doing nothing is not acceptable.

The woman in Proverbs 31 wears many hats. As we see in verse 37, She watches over the activities of her household And does not eat the bread of idleness. She is watching over her children, making sure her family and her slaves are fed. She gets up before the sun to make breakfast for everyone, making sure that nobody goes hungry. We also see that she is an entrepreneur. She makes linen garments and sells them, And supplies belts to the tradesmen. Proverbs 31:24. She is also into real estate. She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings, she plants a vineyard. Proverbs 31:16. This woman is just an example of the many different ways that we can use our God-given talents to either financially support our family, or support them in other ways like feeding and caring for them. In this life we will have work to do, and even in Heaven we will be given jobs, so let’s use our talents to the best of our abilities so that we can make sure that God is glorified through us, no matter what we do.

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Marriage Is For Holiness, Not Happiness

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When God created marriage, He didn’t do it to make us happy, He created it to make us Holy. As the Holy Spirit works in us, we too as a married couple are asked to be the hands that help cleanse one another of our hard hearts and sinful habits, to help prepare each other for when we will be the bride of Christ. Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. Luke 17:3. In marriage this can quickly turn into a slippery slope. We can find ourselves to be critical of behavior, speech, and emotion that our spouse has, and use it as ammunition to point out all their sinful ways. That line can get crossed when we start blurring what God calls sin and what we call sin. Some of us chew with our mouths open, and some of us have nervous habits, these may be bothersome to our spouse but that does not make them sinful. The other thing we have to remember is that Jesus called us to rebuke each other. That’s right, it’s a two-way street. So if you are not prepared to accept your sinful behavior, you better be extra careful in pointing out your spouses. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and look, the log is in your own eye? Matthew 7:3-4. If you are going to point out sinful behavior in your spouse, make sure to have examples ready along with bible verses to help support your view. This will help your spouse be more open to listening and hopefully turning from his/her sin.

Our role as a spouse is not only to be the sin police but to help build each other up. None of us can grow into the kind of Christian God wants us to be if we are constantly being beaten down by others, pointing out all of our flaws. There has to be some balance or correction and encouragement, both done in love. Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up, just as you also are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11. Paul knew how easy it was to stay focused on the negative and then be left with little encouragement to strive to be like God. In this way, we need to study and pay attention to our spouses. If they need correction, correct them. If they need to be reminded of God’s promises and love, remind them. And if they need encouragement, encourage them. Paul also reminds us in Ephesians, Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but if there is any good word for edification according to the need of the moment, say that, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29. That means after a not-so-fun conversation with your spouse, ask them if your words were harsh and in the end, if they felt encouraged to go and sin no more.

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Conflict Resolution

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Everyone has arguments from time to time. It’s just part of our sinful human nature and marriage is no different. The only difference is you made a commitment to love and honor your spouse until death do you part. So how do you keep the peace while making sure one person is not constantly favored over another? First, we make sure that the argument of, “you always get things your way”, stays out of the conversation. Focus on the problem at hand and don’t accuse your spouse of “always” or “never” behaving a certain way. Putting your spouse on the defensive is never wise. The best way to communicate with your spouse is to know what to say and what not to say. Just because a thought comes to your mind, does not mean it needs to be vocalized. If anyone thinks himself to be religious, yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this person’s religion is worthless. James 1:26. We live in a fallen world, and our natural tendencies are to focus on ourselves and attempt to impose our will on others. Often by trying to get things done “my way” we can end up causing communication breakdowns and barriers. This selfish ambition can leave our spouses with hurt feelings or battle wounds that can take years to heal. Wounded relationships, broken families, and a discouraging lack of peace and satisfaction are just a few of the consequences that can mar a marriage.

Fortunately for us, God provides us with a blueprint of how we should walk through our marriages. When you have a disagreement, try to remember to try to identify the core issue. Arguments often arise because of events or issues that disguise the real problem. Consider what attitudes or beliefs are motivating your behavior for clues as to what the core issue in any conflict is. It is easy to get sidetracked in an argument and start battling things that aren’t even the main issue. We are also reminded not to go to bed angry. Disputes need to be settled or at least come to some sort of agreement by the end of the day. Some issues can take days or weeks to sort out, but you must not allow that distance and anger between you and your spouse, otherwise the Devil will have no problem settling in between your relationship. Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27.

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Children

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It doesn’t seem to matter whether you have children or not, the fact is they can either become one of the greatest unifying factors in your marriage, or they can make it the biggest area of conflict. For the people without children, many arguments come from when and how many to have, how to raise them, or why God has not allowed them to conceive yet. And these are just the arguments before children are even a reality. Then having children brings a whole new set of things to argue about. When children are born into this world, parents should ask themselves a few key questions. First, what are our goals for this child? Second, what are our responsibilities for this child? Third, how should we raise this child? Thankfully we have the answer to all these questions found in our bibles. God, the greatest father of all, tells us exactly how to raise our children, and what is important to Him. One of the most comprehensive verses on raising children comes to us from Ephesians 6:4, Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Teach them about God, and discipline them as God instructs. Easy enough right?…

We don’t get very far into the Old Testament before we find instructions for children. “Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be prolonged on the land which the Lord your God gives you. Exodus 20:12. This commandment is number five on the list right after how we honor and worship God, so I think it’s safe to say, this is a pretty important one in God’s eyes. Also, notice that God instructs children to honor your father AND mother. He wants the mothers to be respected as well because children are typically with their mothers more than their fathers. At the end of the day, mothers typically have more opportunities to influence and instruct their children. Think about some Godly mothers of the bible. Hannah had a direct influence on the life of Samuel. What about the influence of Lois and Eunice in the life of Timothy? Even though mothers play a big role in the raising and influencing of the children, this does not give fathers to right to transfer authority to the wife. As we see in 1 Timothy, husbands and fathers play a critical role within the family dynamics. The husband of one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, skillful in teaching, not overindulging in wine, not a bully, but gentle, not contentious, free from the love of money. He must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity. 1 Timothy 3:2-4. When we become parents, we take on a huge responsibility to our children and to God. This job can’t be satisfied by only one parent, but rather both need to be active participants. So take your job seriously and turn to the Lord for guidance.

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Financially One Flesh

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What are the top three things that couples argue about? Intimacy, children, and finances. This week we are going to dive into why finances can be so problematic for couples. We all know that when God designed marriage, He wanted us to become one flesh with our spouse, but have we considered he wants it to be that way with our finances as well? That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Gen. 2:24. You’ve heard the old saying what yours is mine and what is mine is yours? Well, that should be obvious in a marriage. So if you are one of those couples who has separate bank accounts and secret credit cards, you are violating what God had designed for marriage, and in the long run, will only end up causing arguments and strife. Being one flesh in your finances is easier said than done, actually, it’s almost impossible. The reason it’s so difficult is because we are first of all both sinners in this marriage, and secondly, we were raised differently than our spouse, where what one family might find important in regards to spending and saving, another may not. But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today. Deut. 8:18. Most financial issues can be solved when both partners apply biblical principles to their finances. As Deuteronomy reminds us, it is not our ability that we can make money, it is that God has given us these talents and abilities. All of the money that we earn is because He allowed us to, making it then, His money.

To help implement biblical principles for money, it is important to sit down with your spouse and go over how much money is coming in versus how much is being spent on bills and other expenses. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Luke 6:38. It is biblical to pay all of our bills and avoid excessive debt but Jesus also wanted us to be generous to others in need. The way we handle our money is extremely important in our Christian walk. Jesus talked more about money and finances than any other subject. Our plans for money must be made prayerfully and judiciously. Once you and your spouse form a plan that is God-honoring, submit it to Him and be willing to adjust in the ways that the Lord prompts you. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them. James 4:15-17.

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Good Listening

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Communication involves more than just the words that come out of your mouth, it also involves how well you listen to the other person. There is active listening and passive listening, and also the body language that you carry when you are listening says a lot to the other person about how you feel about what they are saying. To answer before listening— that is folly and shame. Proverbs 18:13. Often we can get more out of the conversation when we quit talking and start listening to the words our spouse is saying. Whenever possible you should stop what you’re doing and give your spouse your full attention. This communicates to them, that what they are saying to you, you value. Nobody wants to feel like they are talking to the wall. What about when your spouse comes to you with issues or a complaint and you are already mentally getting your defense ready? You aren’t really listening to the complaint, because you’re too focused on your next move. If you’re like me you are very guilty of this. I often think, I already know what he’s going to say so I don’t need to focus on it that much. We can have arguments with our spouses and have them not even be involved in the conversation because we already know how they would respond. Let me just remind you, and myself, that we should be praying for our spouses continually, and just because they have responded a certain way in the past, doesn’t mean that God isn’t working within him to change your marriage.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19-20. How are the conversations that you and your spouse having, displaying righteousness? For this week, we can at least focus on listening to what your spouse has to say. I mentioned earlier, active listening but what does that mean? Active listening requires being fully present in the conversation, putting away your cell phone, ignoring distractions, avoiding daydreaming, and shutting down your internal dialogue. Place your focus on your conversation partner and let everything else slip away. Focusing on your spouse’s non-verbal behaviors is just as important. Watch for body language such as folding arms, smiling, and facial expressions. Most importantly be patient while your spouse is talking. Allow the other person to speak without interruption and give them the time to say what they are thinking without having you try to finish their sentences for them. Sometimes the key to avoiding conflict is to do a better job of listening. It is to one’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel. Proverbs 20:3

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Good Communication

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True oneness with your spouse can only be achieved with good communication. Open and honest communication must be at the center of every marriage for it to meet its full potential. For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit within them? In the same way, no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. 1 Corinthians 2:11. We all think we know our spouses and that they know us in return, but we can’t really know one another in depth until we open our hearts to our spouse. Think you really know your spouse, and they you? Have you heard your spouse say, “I had no idea that was going on, or that you have been feeling this way, Why didn’t you tell me?” Because your spouse doesn’t know things about you unless you act a certain way or vocalize something. There is always something that we are hiding from our spouses, whether it’s big or small, intentional or not. Being open and honest with your spouse is not always easy because we are sinful people and we have a lot of emotions that we can’t always control. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. James 3:5. Ever had word vomit? I know I have, you say something that you were thinking but didn’t really mean for it to be said out loud, and then out of your rage and anger, it comes spilling out of our mouths without restriction. And this word vomit leaves a wake of destruction everywhere it goes.

God, however, knows exactly what is going on in our hearts, sometimes before we do. But because God is so perfect and we are not, we must train our tongue. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29. Communication between two sinful people can be difficult. Often during arguments we tend to think that silence is golden, but responding to opposition that way will never lead you to a close relationship. Instead, self-control in our speech should be exercised, issues must be dealt with, and disagreements must be calmly and respectfully discussed. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Proverbs 31:26. Every couple will have their fair share of arguments. How you handle them together, after prayer to the Lord, will determine how tight of a bond you will have with your spouse. Disagreements can either open the door to let the devil in between you and your spouse, or they can allow that space to be closed tightly, leaving no room for deception and mistrust.

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A Husband’s Responsibilities

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Oneness with your spouse can only be achieved if both people know and fulfill their biblical role within the marriage. This week we will be focusing on the husband’s role from God’s perspective. God ordains that the husband should be the head of his household. Imagine if you went to work tomorrow and there was no boss, no CEO, no president. It wouldn’t take long before confusion took over and then everyone was fighting for the title of the person in charge. You see, someone has to take the lead, someone has to be in charge, whether that’s in a work role or at home in your marriage. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:22-24. Many times when we think of someone being in charge, we think about a work environment with a boss and employees. That is not what God wants a marriage to look like. He wants the husband not only to be in charge but to meet the needs of his family, even if that means sacrificing himself-his wants, desires, and even his time and money. If the needs of his family are not more important than his own needs, he is not fit to lead.

Biblical leadership is very different than worldly leadership. The kind of leader that the bible is referring to is one that leads with a servant’s heart. Jesus is the king of kings and yet we saw Him washing the disciple’s feet. Secondly, Jesus also showed us that to lead well means to teach and instruct those whom you lead. Jesus was always teaching His disciples something. We see in 1 Corinthians 14: 34-35 that Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak but must be in submission, as the law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church. Wives are to seek knowledge from their spouses, but a husband can only teach what he knows. If he is not in the word and learning himself from God’s word, leading and instructing his family will be nearly impossible. Lastly, Jesus wants husbands to lead with love and compassion. A husband leading his house like a dictator will only lead to unrest and revolt. Leading in God’s love, however, will create a beautiful relationship. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:25-28. So husbands love and lead the way Christ modeled for us while He was here on Earth. Look to Him as your perfect role model, sow a good seed and your harvest will be bountiful.

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