Tag: relationships

Honesty Is Key

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We are told not to keep secrets from our spouses and not to lie to them. But being honest with your spouse is a little more complicated than just communication that is free from lies. Sometimes you can be too honest with your spouse. Being honest with them does not mean saying the first thing that pops into your head, nor does it mean getting something off your chest. When you are being honest with your spouse you need to do so in a way that reflects God’s love, and that means giving the right information in the right way. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin” Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Ephesians 4:25-27. Sometimes as the years tick by in our marriage we start to lose the ability we lose the ability to share important information with our spouse. We stop coordinating our lives and spending quality time together. This is why you often hear people say that they have just drifted apart. Honest communication is the glue that holds every relationship together. Some couples have mastered the art of honesty in marriage, but they have no concept of tenderness. Nagging, criticism, and sarcasm are offered freely without a second thought about how they might be received. In a couple’s dogged pursuit of honesty, they might use words that tear each other down rather than build each other up.

When you commit to being honest with your spouse that means being completely transparent with him and having nothing to hide from each other, being totally vulnerable with each other can be scary at first, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. And it can transform your marriage into a safe, sweet, and most intimate relationship. Words can draw us closer to each other, or they can drive us further apart. Try to eliminate criticism, profanity, and little white lies (like “I’m fine”) from your vocabulary. Instead, speak the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. Ephesians 4:15. As a loving spouse, you need to speak the truth wrapped in tenderness and grace, even when it may be difficult to hear or say. Tenderhearted transparency is an often-overlooked secret to lifelong love that requires the courage to confess our sins and shortcomings to each other without judgment, and the grace to offer and receive forgiveness. It also means refusing to keep score of one another’s faults. As you practice tenderhearted transparency and honesty in your marriage — being vulnerable with each other, speaking the truth in love, and giving one another grace, forgiveness, and encouragement — you’ll be amazed at the difference this will make in your relationship.

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Kindness On Her Tongue

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Communication in a Godly way is the foundation of having a healthy marriage. It is also the best way to solve conflicts when they arise in your marriage and since no marriage is void of conflict, we need to learn how to handle it head-on. When there is conflict, we are not called to run and hide, nor are we called to attack the other person with accusations. So how do we find that beautiful middle ground where we can talk about things openly, honestly, and respectfully? How can we handle arguments and conflict in a way that honors God, especially when emotions can run very high? She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. Proverbs 31:26. The first thing we need to focus on is getting rid of any biblical thoughts as soon as they enter our brain. Such thoughts can be, What’s the point, he will never change, There is no way to fix this, or I will have things my way whether he likes it or not. Most of the time we don’t even realize these thoughts creep into our minds because we hear them so much from society. We see it on TV shows, in communication with friends and co-workers, and everywhere we turn our heads. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and [e]acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2. Instead of running away from conflict or trying to avoid it, we should change the way that we think about the situation.

It is important to acknowledge how powerful negative thoughts can be and how they can negatively impact our emotions. Having the right thoughts on the other hand can make conflict resolution much more manageable. With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love Ephesians 4:2. Humility is important when solving conflict because when you put your husband’s needs above your own, it makes you focus on his needs and his point of view. If you humble yourself and do not seek your own way in whatever battle you and your husband are facing, God will be glorified. In the meantime pray for God to remove this battle from your marriage. We should also approach these situations with gentleness which means having strength under control. We are to have our emotions under control at all times. Sometimes as women, we try to make things bigger and have a bigger reaction to them to be noticed by our husbands. In general, they are taller and stronger than us, which causes us to act bigger and taller than them in other ways. Instead, we should, increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all perseverance and patience; joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. Colossians 1:11-12.

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Conflict Resolution

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Everyone has arguments from time to time. It’s just part of our sinful human nature and marriage is no different. The only difference is you made a commitment to love and honor your spouse until death do you part. So how do you keep the peace while making sure one person is not constantly favored over another? First, we make sure that the argument of, “you always get things your way”, stays out of the conversation. Focus on the problem at hand and don’t accuse your spouse of “always” or “never” behaving a certain way. Putting your spouse on the defensive is never wise. The best way to communicate with your spouse is to know what to say and what not to say. Just because a thought comes to your mind, does not mean it needs to be vocalized. If anyone thinks himself to be religious, yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this person’s religion is worthless. James 1:26. We live in a fallen world, and our natural tendencies are to focus on ourselves and attempt to impose our will on others. Often by trying to get things done “my way” we can end up causing communication breakdowns and barriers. This selfish ambition can leave our spouses with hurt feelings or battle wounds that can take years to heal. Wounded relationships, broken families, and a discouraging lack of peace and satisfaction are just a few of the consequences that can mar a marriage.

Fortunately for us, God provides us with a blueprint of how we should walk through our marriages. When you have a disagreement, try to remember to try to identify the core issue. Arguments often arise because of events or issues that disguise the real problem. Consider what attitudes or beliefs are motivating your behavior for clues as to what the core issue in any conflict is. It is easy to get sidetracked in an argument and start battling things that aren’t even the main issue. We are also reminded not to go to bed angry. Disputes need to be settled or at least come to some sort of agreement by the end of the day. Some issues can take days or weeks to sort out, but you must not allow that distance and anger between you and your spouse, otherwise the Devil will have no problem settling in between your relationship. Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27.

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Good Listening

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Communication involves more than just the words that come out of your mouth, it also involves how well you listen to the other person. There is active listening and passive listening, and also the body language that you carry when you are listening says a lot to the other person about how you feel about what they are saying. To answer before listening— that is folly and shame. Proverbs 18:13. Often we can get more out of the conversation when we quit talking and start listening to the words our spouse is saying. Whenever possible you should stop what you’re doing and give your spouse your full attention. This communicates to them, that what they are saying to you, you value. Nobody wants to feel like they are talking to the wall. What about when your spouse comes to you with issues or a complaint and you are already mentally getting your defense ready? You aren’t really listening to the complaint, because you’re too focused on your next move. If you’re like me you are very guilty of this. I often think, I already know what he’s going to say so I don’t need to focus on it that much. We can have arguments with our spouses and have them not even be involved in the conversation because we already know how they would respond. Let me just remind you, and myself, that we should be praying for our spouses continually, and just because they have responded a certain way in the past, doesn’t mean that God isn’t working within him to change your marriage.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19-20. How are the conversations that you and your spouse having, displaying righteousness? For this week, we can at least focus on listening to what your spouse has to say. I mentioned earlier, active listening but what does that mean? Active listening requires being fully present in the conversation, putting away your cell phone, ignoring distractions, avoiding daydreaming, and shutting down your internal dialogue. Place your focus on your conversation partner and let everything else slip away. Focusing on your spouse’s non-verbal behaviors is just as important. Watch for body language such as folding arms, smiling, and facial expressions. Most importantly be patient while your spouse is talking. Allow the other person to speak without interruption and give them the time to say what they are thinking without having you try to finish their sentences for them. Sometimes the key to avoiding conflict is to do a better job of listening. It is to one’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel. Proverbs 20:3

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