Tag: marriage

Hard to Love

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God is love. We, on the other hand, have to work at it. Sometimes it’s easy for us and sometimes it can be one of the most challenging things that we do. Sometimes loving someone can be hard to love because of their personality, maybe they are harsh, brazen, and love to argue. That can be like trying to hug a porcupine. Some people are warm and friendly and it seems like second nature to love them. So how do we respond to those porcupines in our lives? Love is a choice, my friends, it’s not always an emotion that we feel. So if love is a choice, we are all capable of loving our porcupines. If we are unable to love, the bible tells us that we don’t know God. Beloved, let’s love one another; for love is from God, and everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:7-8. Yikes that can be a hard pill to swallow. What if this difficult porcupine disguises himself from time to time as your spouse? You can’t just get rid of him, or avoid him like you may do with the other porcupines, so you must learn to love in those situations where loving is not easy. If you are lacking love in your marriage, you should not just focus on your marriage and your spouse, but on yourself and your relationship with God. 

If you think your spouse can be difficult to love at times, think of how bad we looked as Christ was dying on the cross for us. At that point in time we were at our most unlovable. We weren’t just porcupines, we were ticking time bombs wrapped in barbed wire. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God remains in us, and His love is perfected in us. 1 John 4:11-12. I don’t know about you but I want God to remain in me as much as possible. Some ways that we can love our spouse include being considerate and gentle with your spouse. We have very little control over how our spouse acts but we do have control over how we respond to him. Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. 1 Corinthians 13:4. How can we extend patience and kindness to our spouse? This week think of ways that you can focus on being patient and kind towards your spouse, especially when he doesn’t deserve it.

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Marriage Is For Holiness, Not Happiness

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When God created marriage, He didn’t do it to make us happy, He created it to make us Holy. As the Holy Spirit works in us, we too as a married couple are asked to be the hands that help cleanse one another of our hard hearts and sinful habits, to help prepare each other for when we will be the bride of Christ. Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. Luke 17:3. In marriage this can quickly turn into a slippery slope. We can find ourselves to be critical of behavior, speech, and emotion that our spouse has, and use it as ammunition to point out all their sinful ways. That line can get crossed when we start blurring what God calls sin and what we call sin. Some of us chew with our mouths open, and some of us have nervous habits, these may be bothersome to our spouse but that does not make them sinful. The other thing we have to remember is that Jesus called us to rebuke each other. That’s right, it’s a two-way street. So if you are not prepared to accept your sinful behavior, you better be extra careful in pointing out your spouses. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and look, the log is in your own eye? Matthew 7:3-4. If you are going to point out sinful behavior in your spouse, make sure to have examples ready along with bible verses to help support your view. This will help your spouse be more open to listening and hopefully turning from his/her sin.

Our role as a spouse is not only to be the sin police but to help build each other up. None of us can grow into the kind of Christian God wants us to be if we are constantly being beaten down by others, pointing out all of our flaws. There has to be some balance or correction and encouragement, both done in love. Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up, just as you also are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11. Paul knew how easy it was to stay focused on the negative and then be left with little encouragement to strive to be like God. In this way, we need to study and pay attention to our spouses. If they need correction, correct them. If they need to be reminded of God’s promises and love, remind them. And if they need encouragement, encourage them. Paul also reminds us in Ephesians, Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but if there is any good word for edification according to the need of the moment, say that, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29. That means after a not-so-fun conversation with your spouse, ask them if your words were harsh and in the end, if they felt encouraged to go and sin no more.

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Conflict Resolution

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Everyone has arguments from time to time. It’s just part of our sinful human nature and marriage is no different. The only difference is you made a commitment to love and honor your spouse until death do you part. So how do you keep the peace while making sure one person is not constantly favored over another? First, we make sure that the argument of, “you always get things your way”, stays out of the conversation. Focus on the problem at hand and don’t accuse your spouse of “always” or “never” behaving a certain way. Putting your spouse on the defensive is never wise. The best way to communicate with your spouse is to know what to say and what not to say. Just because a thought comes to your mind, does not mean it needs to be vocalized. If anyone thinks himself to be religious, yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this person’s religion is worthless. James 1:26. We live in a fallen world, and our natural tendencies are to focus on ourselves and attempt to impose our will on others. Often by trying to get things done “my way” we can end up causing communication breakdowns and barriers. This selfish ambition can leave our spouses with hurt feelings or battle wounds that can take years to heal. Wounded relationships, broken families, and a discouraging lack of peace and satisfaction are just a few of the consequences that can mar a marriage.

Fortunately for us, God provides us with a blueprint of how we should walk through our marriages. When you have a disagreement, try to remember to try to identify the core issue. Arguments often arise because of events or issues that disguise the real problem. Consider what attitudes or beliefs are motivating your behavior for clues as to what the core issue in any conflict is. It is easy to get sidetracked in an argument and start battling things that aren’t even the main issue. We are also reminded not to go to bed angry. Disputes need to be settled or at least come to some sort of agreement by the end of the day. Some issues can take days or weeks to sort out, but you must not allow that distance and anger between you and your spouse, otherwise the Devil will have no problem settling in between your relationship. Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27.

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Financially One Flesh

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What are the top three things that couples argue about? Intimacy, children, and finances. This week we are going to dive into why finances can be so problematic for couples. We all know that when God designed marriage, He wanted us to become one flesh with our spouse, but have we considered he wants it to be that way with our finances as well? That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Gen. 2:24. You’ve heard the old saying what yours is mine and what is mine is yours? Well, that should be obvious in a marriage. So if you are one of those couples who has separate bank accounts and secret credit cards, you are violating what God had designed for marriage, and in the long run, will only end up causing arguments and strife. Being one flesh in your finances is easier said than done, actually, it’s almost impossible. The reason it’s so difficult is because we are first of all both sinners in this marriage, and secondly, we were raised differently than our spouse, where what one family might find important in regards to spending and saving, another may not. But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today. Deut. 8:18. Most financial issues can be solved when both partners apply biblical principles to their finances. As Deuteronomy reminds us, it is not our ability that we can make money, it is that God has given us these talents and abilities. All of the money that we earn is because He allowed us to, making it then, His money.

To help implement biblical principles for money, it is important to sit down with your spouse and go over how much money is coming in versus how much is being spent on bills and other expenses. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Luke 6:38. It is biblical to pay all of our bills and avoid excessive debt but Jesus also wanted us to be generous to others in need. The way we handle our money is extremely important in our Christian walk. Jesus talked more about money and finances than any other subject. Our plans for money must be made prayerfully and judiciously. Once you and your spouse form a plan that is God-honoring, submit it to Him and be willing to adjust in the ways that the Lord prompts you. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them. James 4:15-17.

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Good Listening

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Communication involves more than just the words that come out of your mouth, it also involves how well you listen to the other person. There is active listening and passive listening, and also the body language that you carry when you are listening says a lot to the other person about how you feel about what they are saying. To answer before listening— that is folly and shame. Proverbs 18:13. Often we can get more out of the conversation when we quit talking and start listening to the words our spouse is saying. Whenever possible you should stop what you’re doing and give your spouse your full attention. This communicates to them, that what they are saying to you, you value. Nobody wants to feel like they are talking to the wall. What about when your spouse comes to you with issues or a complaint and you are already mentally getting your defense ready? You aren’t really listening to the complaint, because you’re too focused on your next move. If you’re like me you are very guilty of this. I often think, I already know what he’s going to say so I don’t need to focus on it that much. We can have arguments with our spouses and have them not even be involved in the conversation because we already know how they would respond. Let me just remind you, and myself, that we should be praying for our spouses continually, and just because they have responded a certain way in the past, doesn’t mean that God isn’t working within him to change your marriage.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19-20. How are the conversations that you and your spouse having, displaying righteousness? For this week, we can at least focus on listening to what your spouse has to say. I mentioned earlier, active listening but what does that mean? Active listening requires being fully present in the conversation, putting away your cell phone, ignoring distractions, avoiding daydreaming, and shutting down your internal dialogue. Place your focus on your conversation partner and let everything else slip away. Focusing on your spouse’s non-verbal behaviors is just as important. Watch for body language such as folding arms, smiling, and facial expressions. Most importantly be patient while your spouse is talking. Allow the other person to speak without interruption and give them the time to say what they are thinking without having you try to finish their sentences for them. Sometimes the key to avoiding conflict is to do a better job of listening. It is to one’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel. Proverbs 20:3

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A Wife’s Responsibilities

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Most couples enter into marriage with huge expectations of one another and the marriage itself. Some think that once you get married, love conquers all, and as long as you still love each other, everything will be just fine. That however is a bunch of lies sold to us by Hollywood. Marriage can be difficult but if we follow God’s rule book, we will find it to be easier than we anticipated. One of the most important rules God has for the wife is to submit to her husband. I know the women of today cringe when they hear the word submit, but let’s talk about what that means and doesn’t mean. Submission does not mean that the wife becomes a slave, it doesn’t mean that she is not allowed an opinion and it doesn’t mean that she becomes inferior to her husband. What submission looks like in a marriage, it is the wife’s responsibility to control her submission, not her husband’s, it is her responsibility to submit because God says it’s mandatory for her, and it involves her attitude as well as her actions. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Ephesians 5:22-23. God gives us rules to follow not only in marriage but also in our relationship with Him. The husband is responsible for his family and while the wife is to be submissive to him, he is to be submissive to God. To go against your husband is to go against God.

Another main role for the wife is for her primary ministry to be her husband. As we look back to the garden we see that God created woman FOR man. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. Genesis 2:21-22. Adam needed a helper and Eve was specifically created for that reason. If wives aren’t there to encourage their husbands and help them stay on track with the Lord, who else will? Wives and husbands are also a team, so it benefits nobody if the two are constantly working against each other. Don’t let the devil get an inch of space in between you and your spouse.

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