Welcome back, friends. I wanted to share with you how things are going to be changing around here at 2 Lives 1 Flesh. I was starting to feel like the topics I was talking about surrounding marriage were getting a little repetitive and none of us have time for that. What I also found missing out on my own personal bible study time, was a focused and thorough exploration of different books of the bible. So I decided to do a monthly bible study where we will go through different books of the Bible and talk about what it looks like to grow in Christ and to grow in our marriages. I will try to always point things back to how a topic can affect your marriage. These will be longer studies than my weekly blogs, and they will be posted on the first Wednesday of every month, but I am hoping you guys will like them and get some good Bible knowledge in the process. Please let me know how you like things and if you have certain books you would like me to cover. I will be starting off with 1 Peter. I can’t wait to hear what everyone thinks next week.
We are told not to keep secrets from our spouses and not to lie to them. But being honest with your spouse is a little more complicated than just communication that is free from lies. Sometimes you can be too honest with your spouse. Being honest with them does not mean saying the first thing that pops into your head, nor does it mean getting something off your chest. When you are being honest with your spouse you need to do so in a way that reflects God’s love, and that means giving the right information in the right way. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin” Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Ephesians 4:25-27. Sometimes as the years tick by in our marriage we start to lose the ability we lose the ability to share important information with our spouse. We stop coordinating our lives and spending quality time together. This is why you often hear people say that they have just drifted apart. Honest communication is the glue that holds every relationship together. Some couples have mastered the art of honesty in marriage, but they have no concept of tenderness. Nagging, criticism, and sarcasm are offered freely without a second thought about how they might be received. In a couple’s dogged pursuit of honesty, they might use words that tear each other down rather than build each other up.
When you commit to being honest with your spouse that means being completely transparent with him and having nothing to hide from each other, being totally vulnerable with each other can be scary at first, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. And it can transform your marriage into a safe, sweet, and most intimate relationship. Words can draw us closer to each other, or they can drive us further apart. Try to eliminate criticism, profanity, and little white lies (like “I’m fine”) from your vocabulary. Instead, speak the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. Ephesians 4:15. As a loving spouse, you need to speak the truth wrapped in tenderness and grace, even when it may be difficult to hear or say. Tenderhearted transparency is an often-overlooked secret to lifelong love that requires the courage to confess our sins and shortcomings to each other without judgment, and the grace to offer and receive forgiveness. It also means refusing to keep score of one another’s faults. As you practice tenderhearted transparency and honesty in your marriage — being vulnerable with each other, speaking the truth in love, and giving one another grace, forgiveness, and encouragement — you’ll be amazed at the difference this will make in your relationship.
Communication in a Godly way is the foundation of having a healthy marriage. It is also the best way to solve conflicts when they arise in your marriage and since no marriage is void of conflict, we need to learn how to handle it head-on. When there is conflict, we are not called to run and hide, nor are we called to attack the other person with accusations. So how do we find that beautiful middle ground where we can talk about things openly, honestly, and respectfully? How can we handle arguments and conflict in a way that honors God, especially when emotions can run very high? She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. Proverbs 31:26. The first thing we need to focus on is getting rid of any biblical thoughts as soon as they enter our brain. Such thoughts can be, What’s the point, he will never change, There is no way to fix this, or I will have things my way whether he likes it or not. Most of the time we don’t even realize these thoughts creep into our minds because we hear them so much from society. We see it on TV shows, in communication with friends and co-workers, and everywhere we turn our heads. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and [e]acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2. Instead of running away from conflict or trying to avoid it, we should change the way that we think about the situation.
It is important to acknowledge how powerful negative thoughts can be and how they can negatively impact our emotions. Having the right thoughts on the other hand can make conflict resolution much more manageable. With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love Ephesians 4:2. Humility is important when solving conflict because when you put your husband’s needs above your own, it makes you focus on his needs and his point of view. If you humble yourself and do not seek your own way in whatever battle you and your husband are facing, God will be glorified. In the meantime pray for God to remove this battle from your marriage. We should also approach these situations with gentleness which means having strength under control. We are to have our emotions under control at all times. Sometimes as women, we try to make things bigger and have a bigger reaction to them to be noticed by our husbands. In general, they are taller and stronger than us, which causes us to act bigger and taller than them in other ways. Instead, we should, increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all perseverance and patience; joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. Colossians 1:11-12.
Submission has turned into a nasty word over the last century. Thanks to feminism, submission has become letting husbands rule and dominate us and we have no say or opinion. Unfortunately, we don’t think of submission any other way because we don’t understand what healthy submission looks like. The good news is that we don’t need to look too far or too hard to see a perfect example of submission. In Philippians 2:8 we are told, And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death: death on a cross. Christ was submissive and obedient to God the Father because He knew God’s will was needed for the salvation of humanity. Jesus was even submissive to God when the two are considered to be equals. You will notice there was no power struggle between the two of them, even during Christ’s life here on earth. Sure our husbands can predict the future, nor do they always act with the purest of intentions, but we are still called to submit. If you feel like your husband’s leadership is not biblical, seek God in prayer and then approach your husband with gentleness and humility.
Did you know being submissive to your husband can make you more beautiful? You heard me right. The Bible tells us, In the same way, you wives, be subject to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your pure and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, wearing gold jewelry, or putting on apparel; but it should be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way the holy women of former times, who hoped in God, also used to adorn themselves, being subject to their own husbands. 1 Peter 3:1-5 Our beauty runs deeper than just how we look on the outside. As someone who has lived over four decades, I can tell you that your beauty will fade, your skin will sag, and things that you tolerated well in your past, do not mean you will accept them well as you age. Your husband should not only be attracted to your physical beauty but also the beauty of your spirit. Your spirit should become more beautiful every year as your relationship with the Lord grows and gets stronger. We can only have spiritual growth and spiritual beauty when our bond with God deepens and, learn to love Him and trust Him fully. Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Proverbs 31:30. When we fear the Lord, we are obedient to him and obedience and submission go hand in hand. Love God by obeying His word and being the wife He intended you to be.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21. As mere humans we can bring death to someone with our words. Has someone ever said something to you that just cut you to the bone? I know I have. That old saying “sticks and stone will break my bones, but words will never hurt me” could not be more false. Words can destroy someone, but on the flip side, our words can build up, encourage, and bring forth new life. This could not be more true when dealing with your spouse. We all know our spouses will sin against us many times throughout our marriage and we will do the same. The taming of the tongue is one of a wife’s first steps into being submissive to her husband. Failure to communicate biblically is a sin because you are not being obedient to God. If we think about what we are going to say to our husbands and how our tone will be, before we say anything, then we have a greater chance of having a God-honoring speech come from our lips. Plus if we respond with kinder words and a less judgmental tone in our voices, the chances of your husband responding better greatly improve. Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but if there is any good word for edification according to the need of the moment, say that, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21. We have a choice as a wife and as a Christian of how we respond when people sin against us, and they will. This sin will happen when we least expect it, from the people we won’t expect, and there will be those times when it will be very expected. When this does happen, whether expected or not, we must respond with the right words and the right actions. We are told by Peter, All of you be harmonious, sympathetic, loving, compassionate, and humble; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you would inherit a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9. It’s hard not to want to get back at your husband when he hurts you, but rather than dwelling on what he did and how you can settle the score, pray for him and let God guide your thoughts on ways that you can bless your husband. After all, that’s what Jesus did for us. There are so many ways that God could even the score with each and every one of us. Instead, He sent His son to die for our sins. He returned the hurt that we did to Him into a loving response that ultimately heals our relationship with Him so that when we pass from this life to the next, we will not be eternally separated from Him. And thank God for that. Don’t try to separate yourself from your spouse, find ways to build that relationship back together.
All of us at some point in time have been wronged by our spouse. Maybe his sins have been minor but there are a lot of them or maybe he has just committed one big terrible sin. Either way, it doesn’t matter, Paul tells us in Romans 12:21, Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. It is the responsibility of the Godly wife to respond in a manner that reflects the right attitude and the right action. She is to continue this model of behavior until the battle with her spouse is over. Some conflicts may only take an hour or two to resolve while others could take years. Some of us may never see a resolution this side of heaven, but we are still obligated to respond in the right way. It is easy when we are wronged to plot how to get him back or dwell on all the ways that he has let you down, but we were not called for easy, we are called for obedience. Holding a grudge or keeping track of all his wrong doings, will not help your relationship with your spouse. In fact, it will only drive a wedge further and further between you. God not only wants your marriage relationship to be close with one another but He also wants you to have a close relationship with Him. When a wedge grows between you and your spouse, it will inevitably grow bigger between you and God.
God doesn’t ask us to work miracles with our spouse, He just asks for our obedience to Him. Obedience to God is intentionally praying for your spouse, for his healing, and for his discernment. It also involves speaking to him with kind and loving words. Treat people the same way you want them to treat you. Luke 6: 31. When was the last time you found ways to bless your husband? Believe me, it can be hard to do when you are bitter and hurting, but blessing your husband with kindness is one of the best ways to show God’s love to Him. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8. We were the worst kind of sinner to God and Jesus still died on the cross for us. I’m sure no matter what your husband has done to you, it is not worse than the ways we have sinned against God. When we pray for our spouse and ask for God’s blessing upon him, that also helps to soften our hearts towards him. So the next time your husband sins against you, remember there are two hearts that need healed, his for hurting you, and you for learning to forgive.
What about those of us who are not married to believing husbands? Do we still have to submit to them? So many good practical questions, because let’s face it, we are not all married to the ideal man. The one who is a strong Christian, leading his family. Sometimes our husbands are still in that growing process and that’s ok, we just need to help and support them through it. When we turn to our bibles for the answers to some of these hard questions, Peter makes it pretty clear how wives are to behave. In the same way, you wives, be subject to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won over without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your pure and respectful behavior. 1 Peter 3:1-2. The phrase disobedient to the word is another way of saying unbeliever. It is still the wife’s responsibility to live a Godly life and respond to her husband with love and respect. She should not expect him to think or act like a Christian, because he is not. Instead, she is to love, respect, and godly behavior in the hopes of softening his heart and winning him over to the Lord by her actions, not by her words. Even though the husband has God-given authority over his wife, she is only to obey him if what he is asking does not contradict God’s word. But Peter and the apostles answered, “We must obey God rather than men. Acts 5:29. Some examples of this are: Don’t correct me, don’t point out my sins, don’t go to church, or don’t teach the children about God. These are clear and obvious examples of when the wife is to submit to the Lord rather than her husband.
Peter reminds us, it is our pure and respectful behavior that will win our unbelieving spouses to the Lord, not our nagging, crying, or pouting. Our first obligation is to love the Lord with all our hearts. He is our father and He should always remain in first place in our lives. Jesus answered and said to him, “If anyone loves Me, he will follow My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our dwelling with him. John 14:23. Most people find God-honoring qualities to be attractive in a mate. Think about what Paul says in the letter to the Corinthians. It does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered, it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. 1 Corinthians 13:5-6. What spouse is not going to love the fact that you don’t keep a record of everything he has messed up on? Ultimately you are to be a shining light for God and be an example to him so that he wants to become a Christian. So even if you have an unbelieving spouse, you are still to obey him as long as what he is asking you to do, does not make you sin against God. God should always be your first love.
The sexual bond between husband and wife is a gift from God for the enjoyment of physical intimacy and the procreation of life. God tells Adam and Eve in Genesis 1:28 to be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. God also created intimacy to enhance their closeness and oneness within marriage. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24. The physical union of husband and wife was designed by God to help satisfy man’s desire for closeness and companionship. Think about it, is there any way that you can feel closer to another person than being intimate with them? God designed us to need physical and emotional closeness with our spouses. Companionship through sexual intimacy was put into place to help protect the husband and wife from the temptation of finding physical and emotional needs met outside of the marriage bond. Men and women both have sexual desires, it is fairly common for men to have a higher sex drive over women, which is why the bible tells wives, Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5. Deprivation from either spouse can lead to a longing and need for fulfillment outside of the marriage bed. King David was strong against his enemies, a mighty warrior, but fell prey to Bathsheba. Let that sink in for a little bit.
To prevent our lustful desires from taking over and destroying our lives, God commands husbands and wives to respond to each other’s physical needs. Again, men and women have very different amounts of how often their physical needs need to be met, so compromise with your spouse. If he wants it 7 times and week and you want it once, see if you can find a happy balance of 2-3 times per week. Marriage is also about making sacrifices and putting your spouse’s needs ahead of your own. Because taking care of your husband’s physical needs is a command from God, when a wife responds to this need, she is not only showing love to her husband but also to God. Sexual intimacy should also be a regular and continuous part of a marriage. And rejoice in the wife of your youth. Like a loving doe and a graceful mountain goat, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times. Proverbs 5:19. Plan times to be physically intimate with your husband, and be a warm and responsive wife to his needs. Don’t just glorify God on Sunday mornings at church, glorify Him as well through intimacy in your marriage bed.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to mean. What Aretha failed to mention is finding out what it looks like for a wife to be respectful of her husband. Respect needs to be a two-way street but it starts with the wife. Being disrespectful first started in the garden and look how well that has turned out for all mankind. Nevertheless, as for you individually, each husband is to love his own wife the same as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33. Respecting your husband is not an option. If you wish to follow the will of God then it is something that must be done. The Greek word for respect is phobeo, when translated to English it means to be in awe of or to give special treatment. When was the last time you were in awe of your husband? Your husband has been given authority over your family, to lead and guide them down the right path, the path that God has set before him. As a respectful wife, we not only have to be respectful on the outside but also have a heart and attitude that matches. Being respectful does not mean you can’t have your own opinion or concerns. What it does mean is at the end of the day, what your husband has decided will be and you are to loving and respectfully follow his lead. He should not have to drag you kicking and screaming, nor should you go running off to your friends telling everyone how much you hate this new decision and wish things could go back to the way they were
A disrespectful wife is not always easy to spot. Sure we understand to not make fun of or criticize especially around others, but being respectful is more encompassing than that. Disrespect can also come in the forms of being short with your husband, irritable, or impatient. And let’s not forget that look that we give him that says, “Say or do one more thing, I dare you.” Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but if there is any good word for edification according to the need of the moment, say that, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29. So now that 100% of us have sinned against God and been disrespectful to our spouses, we should probably look at some more encouraging things like what being respectful looks like. Be especially cautious with your words, tone of voice, and body language towards your spouse. If you need help in that area, as we all do, ask your husband to point out these areas to you, in a loving manner of course. Do not preach to your husband when he makes a mistake, instead pray for him. Don’t delight in his failures or shortcomings, instead grieve with him that things did not turn out the way he had hoped. Remember your husband is trying his best to lead his family in a way that is honoring to God. You scolding him or rejoicing in his failures only puts a wedge between you and him. Be encouraging to your spouse, build him up whenever possible, and remember how many times you fail and how God does not rejoice or say I told you so when that does happen.
In America, we have an extremely competitive culture. We are constantly measuring ourselves against others. Am I skinnier than her? Do we make more money than our friends? How many vacations can we afford to go on this year? Yes, we are always trying to one-up and outdo one another constantly. However, this drive for competitiveness can also be very damaging in our marriage. Many husbands have insecurities about not being a good enough provider for their families. After all that is their God-given role as head of the household. So if we are constantly pointing out to them how much bigger our friend’s house is or how many vacations they go, over time those comments start to chip away at your husband’s confidence in his role as provider. Remember that none of us are perfect, we are all flawed and we will all make mistakes. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8-9. Thankfully God loved us in spite of all of our flaws and we should extend the same love to our spouse. Help him embrace his weaknesses while also acknowledging the gifts God has given him to fulfill His purpose in your spouse’s life. The good news? Much like a destructive belief, a healed identity will spread into every area of your life and marriage. Imagine what your marriage would be like void of doubts, comparisons, and the dark cloud of inadequacy.
What if you are the one with the inadequacy issues? All my other friends are much prettier and thinner than I am, how do I deal with that? If you struggle with self-worth, begin your journey to relinquish your insecurities. You likely have negative thoughts like I’m not good enough. I’m such a failure. I’m fat. I’m worthless. These thoughts rob you of joy and damage your marriage. Thinking this way only devalues our relationship with God. We can all too easily forget that we are children of God, and God would never think those terrible things about his own children. And I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.” 2 Corinthians 6:18. Everyone has an internal dialogue that no one else hears. If you rehearse and repeat thoughts that you’re not good enough, you’ll feel anxiety, anger, jealousy, or depression. Consider how destructive thoughts have affected your emotions, and think about how personal insecurities have trickled into your marriage. Imagine what your marriage would be like void of doubts, comparisons, and the dark cloud of inadequacy. Focus on complimenting your spouse for all the good he does. Focus on the good and not the bad.
2 Lives, 1 Flesh 
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