Tag: love

Kindness On Her Tongue

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Communication in a Godly way is the foundation of having a healthy marriage. It is also the best way to solve conflicts when they arise in your marriage and since no marriage is void of conflict, we need to learn how to handle it head-on. When there is conflict, we are not called to run and hide, nor are we called to attack the other person with accusations. So how do we find that beautiful middle ground where we can talk about things openly, honestly, and respectfully? How can we handle arguments and conflict in a way that honors God, especially when emotions can run very high? She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. Proverbs 31:26. The first thing we need to focus on is getting rid of any biblical thoughts as soon as they enter our brain. Such thoughts can be, What’s the point, he will never change, There is no way to fix this, or I will have things my way whether he likes it or not. Most of the time we don’t even realize these thoughts creep into our minds because we hear them so much from society. We see it on TV shows, in communication with friends and co-workers, and everywhere we turn our heads. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and [e]acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2. Instead of running away from conflict or trying to avoid it, we should change the way that we think about the situation.

It is important to acknowledge how powerful negative thoughts can be and how they can negatively impact our emotions. Having the right thoughts on the other hand can make conflict resolution much more manageable. With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love Ephesians 4:2. Humility is important when solving conflict because when you put your husband’s needs above your own, it makes you focus on his needs and his point of view. If you humble yourself and do not seek your own way in whatever battle you and your husband are facing, God will be glorified. In the meantime pray for God to remove this battle from your marriage. We should also approach these situations with gentleness which means having strength under control. We are to have our emotions under control at all times. Sometimes as women, we try to make things bigger and have a bigger reaction to them to be noticed by our husbands. In general, they are taller and stronger than us, which causes us to act bigger and taller than them in other ways. Instead, we should, increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all perseverance and patience; joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. Colossians 1:11-12.

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Responding Biblically

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Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21. As mere humans we can bring death to someone with our words. Has someone ever said something to you that just cut you to the bone? I know I have. That old saying “sticks and stone will break my bones, but words will never hurt me” could not be more false. Words can destroy someone, but on the flip side, our words can build up, encourage, and bring forth new life. This could not be more true when dealing with your spouse. We all know our spouses will sin against us many times throughout our marriage and we will do the same. The taming of the tongue is one of a wife’s first steps into being submissive to her husband. Failure to communicate biblically is a sin because you are not being obedient to God. If we think about what we are going to say to our husbands and how our tone will be, before we say anything, then we have a greater chance of having a God-honoring speech come from our lips. Plus if we respond with kinder words and a less judgmental tone in our voices, the chances of your husband responding better greatly improve. Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but if there is any good word for edification according to the need of the moment, say that, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:21. We have a choice as a wife and as a Christian of how we respond when people sin against us, and they will. This sin will happen when we least expect it, from the people we won’t expect, and there will be those times when it will be very expected. When this does happen, whether expected or not, we must respond with the right words and the right actions. We are told by Peter, All of you be harmonious, sympathetic, loving, compassionate, and humble; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you would inherit a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9. It’s hard not to want to get back at your husband when he hurts you, but rather than dwelling on what he did and how you can settle the score, pray for him and let God guide your thoughts on ways that you can bless your husband. After all, that’s what Jesus did for us. There are so many ways that God could even the score with each and every one of us. Instead, He sent His son to die for our sins. He returned the hurt that we did to Him into a loving response that ultimately heals our relationship with Him so that when we pass from this life to the next, we will not be eternally separated from Him. And thank God for that. Don’t try to separate yourself from your spouse, find ways to build that relationship back together.

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Intimacy

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The sexual bond between husband and wife is a gift from God for the enjoyment of physical intimacy and the procreation of life. God tells Adam and Eve in Genesis 1:28 to be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. God also created intimacy to enhance their closeness and oneness within marriage. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24. The physical union of husband and wife was designed by God to help satisfy man’s desire for closeness and companionship. Think about it, is there any way that you can feel closer to another person than being intimate with them? God designed us to need physical and emotional closeness with our spouses. Companionship through sexual intimacy was put into place to help protect the husband and wife from the temptation of finding physical and emotional needs met outside of the marriage bond. Men and women both have sexual desires, it is fairly common for men to have a higher sex drive over women, which is why the bible tells wives, Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5. Deprivation from either spouse can lead to a longing and need for fulfillment outside of the marriage bed. King David was strong against his enemies, a mighty warrior, but fell prey to Bathsheba. Let that sink in for a little bit.

To prevent our lustful desires from taking over and destroying our lives, God commands husbands and wives to respond to each other’s physical needs. Again, men and women have very different amounts of how often their physical needs need to be met, so compromise with your spouse. If he wants it 7 times and week and you want it once, see if you can find a happy balance of 2-3 times per week. Marriage is also about making sacrifices and putting your spouse’s needs ahead of your own. Because taking care of your husband’s physical needs is a command from God, when a wife responds to this need, she is not only showing love to her husband but also to God. Sexual intimacy should also be a regular and continuous part of a marriage. And rejoice in the wife of your youth. Like a loving doe and a graceful mountain goat, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times. Proverbs 5:19. Plan times to be physically intimate with your husband, and be a warm and responsive wife to his needs. Don’t just glorify God on Sunday mornings at church, glorify Him as well through intimacy in your marriage bed.

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Putting On Love

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It is common for women to get aggravated when things don’t go as planned, when life gets in the way, and the things we spent all this time planning how now gone up in smoke. But just because we feel aggravated or irritated, does not mean we have to act upon those emotions. The Bible tells us, about these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:14, but what does that really mean? How can you put on a feeling, especially when you are not “feeling it”? In the love versus that we commonly hear at weddings, we hear what love is and is not. Although I hate to admit it, most of the time, I am not measuring up to what love looks like. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Feeling impatient and frustrated can be a daily occurrence for a wife and mother. This can lead to angry and selfish thoughts. When we start to feel this way, having scripture in our hearts and on our minds will help combat these feelings, Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. Paul tells us to be thankful for everything. If he only knew what we had to deal with, right? Well, think of everything that he had to deal with. Paul was imprisoned many times for preaching the gospel and when he wrote these words to the people at Thessalonica, he was under harsh persecution from other religious leaders who did not want him there. Despite all the ways Paul was persecuted, beaten, and imprisoned, he still wrote the most beautiful words about love and all of its attributes. Paul also reminds us to show love through kindness. Not being kind in a family can be as contagious as a deadly virus. If your husband is feeling frustrated or angered about something, offer him help, or some way to ease his burden. If there is nothing you can do to help the situation, you can always pray for him and with him. Because Love is Kind! 

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Insecurity

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In America, we have an extremely competitive culture. We are constantly measuring ourselves against others. Am I skinnier than her? Do we make more money than our friends? How many vacations can we afford to go on this year? Yes, we are always trying to one-up and outdo one another constantly. However, this drive for competitiveness can also be very damaging in our marriage. Many husbands have insecurities about not being a good enough provider for their families. After all that is their God-given role as head of the household. So if we are constantly pointing out to them how much bigger our friend’s house is or how many vacations they go, over time those comments start to chip away at your husband’s confidence in his role as provider. Remember that none of us are perfect, we are all flawed and we will all make mistakes. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8-9. Thankfully God loved us in spite of all of our flaws and we should extend the same love to our spouse. Help him embrace his weaknesses while also acknowledging the gifts God has given him to fulfill His purpose in your spouse’s life. The good news? Much like a destructive belief, a healed identity will spread into every area of your life and marriage. Imagine what your marriage would be like void of doubts, comparisons, and the dark cloud of inadequacy.

What if you are the one with the inadequacy issues? All my other friends are much prettier and thinner than I am, how do I deal with that? If you struggle with self-worth, begin your journey to relinquish your insecurities. You likely have negative thoughts like I’m not good enough. I’m such a failure. I’m fat. I’m worthless. These thoughts rob you of joy and damage your marriage. Thinking this way only devalues our relationship with God. We can all too easily forget that we are children of God, and God would never think those terrible things about his own children. And I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.” 2 Corinthians 6:18. Everyone has an internal dialogue that no one else hears. If you rehearse and repeat thoughts that you’re not good enough, you’ll feel anxiety, anger, jealousy, or depression. Consider how destructive thoughts have affected your emotions, and think about how personal insecurities have trickled into your marriage. Imagine what your marriage would be like void of doubts, comparisons, and the dark cloud of inadequacy. Focus on complimenting your spouse for all the good he does. Focus on the good and not the bad.

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Hard to Love

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God is love. We, on the other hand, have to work at it. Sometimes it’s easy for us and sometimes it can be one of the most challenging things that we do. Sometimes loving someone can be hard to love because of their personality, maybe they are harsh, brazen, and love to argue. That can be like trying to hug a porcupine. Some people are warm and friendly and it seems like second nature to love them. So how do we respond to those porcupines in our lives? Love is a choice, my friends, it’s not always an emotion that we feel. So if love is a choice, we are all capable of loving our porcupines. If we are unable to love, the bible tells us that we don’t know God. Beloved, let’s love one another; for love is from God, and everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:7-8. Yikes that can be a hard pill to swallow. What if this difficult porcupine disguises himself from time to time as your spouse? You can’t just get rid of him, or avoid him like you may do with the other porcupines, so you must learn to love in those situations where loving is not easy. If you are lacking love in your marriage, you should not just focus on your marriage and your spouse, but on yourself and your relationship with God. 

If you think your spouse can be difficult to love at times, think of how bad we looked as Christ was dying on the cross for us. At that point in time we were at our most unlovable. We weren’t just porcupines, we were ticking time bombs wrapped in barbed wire. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God remains in us, and His love is perfected in us. 1 John 4:11-12. I don’t know about you but I want God to remain in me as much as possible. Some ways that we can love our spouse include being considerate and gentle with your spouse. We have very little control over how our spouse acts but we do have control over how we respond to him. Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. 1 Corinthians 13:4. How can we extend patience and kindness to our spouse? This week think of ways that you can focus on being patient and kind towards your spouse, especially when he doesn’t deserve it.

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Conflict Resolution

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Everyone has arguments from time to time. It’s just part of our sinful human nature and marriage is no different. The only difference is you made a commitment to love and honor your spouse until death do you part. So how do you keep the peace while making sure one person is not constantly favored over another? First, we make sure that the argument of, “you always get things your way”, stays out of the conversation. Focus on the problem at hand and don’t accuse your spouse of “always” or “never” behaving a certain way. Putting your spouse on the defensive is never wise. The best way to communicate with your spouse is to know what to say and what not to say. Just because a thought comes to your mind, does not mean it needs to be vocalized. If anyone thinks himself to be religious, yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this person’s religion is worthless. James 1:26. We live in a fallen world, and our natural tendencies are to focus on ourselves and attempt to impose our will on others. Often by trying to get things done “my way” we can end up causing communication breakdowns and barriers. This selfish ambition can leave our spouses with hurt feelings or battle wounds that can take years to heal. Wounded relationships, broken families, and a discouraging lack of peace and satisfaction are just a few of the consequences that can mar a marriage.

Fortunately for us, God provides us with a blueprint of how we should walk through our marriages. When you have a disagreement, try to remember to try to identify the core issue. Arguments often arise because of events or issues that disguise the real problem. Consider what attitudes or beliefs are motivating your behavior for clues as to what the core issue in any conflict is. It is easy to get sidetracked in an argument and start battling things that aren’t even the main issue. We are also reminded not to go to bed angry. Disputes need to be settled or at least come to some sort of agreement by the end of the day. Some issues can take days or weeks to sort out, but you must not allow that distance and anger between you and your spouse, otherwise the Devil will have no problem settling in between your relationship. Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27.

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Financially One Flesh

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What are the top three things that couples argue about? Intimacy, children, and finances. This week we are going to dive into why finances can be so problematic for couples. We all know that when God designed marriage, He wanted us to become one flesh with our spouse, but have we considered he wants it to be that way with our finances as well? That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Gen. 2:24. You’ve heard the old saying what yours is mine and what is mine is yours? Well, that should be obvious in a marriage. So if you are one of those couples who has separate bank accounts and secret credit cards, you are violating what God had designed for marriage, and in the long run, will only end up causing arguments and strife. Being one flesh in your finances is easier said than done, actually, it’s almost impossible. The reason it’s so difficult is because we are first of all both sinners in this marriage, and secondly, we were raised differently than our spouse, where what one family might find important in regards to spending and saving, another may not. But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today. Deut. 8:18. Most financial issues can be solved when both partners apply biblical principles to their finances. As Deuteronomy reminds us, it is not our ability that we can make money, it is that God has given us these talents and abilities. All of the money that we earn is because He allowed us to, making it then, His money.

To help implement biblical principles for money, it is important to sit down with your spouse and go over how much money is coming in versus how much is being spent on bills and other expenses. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Luke 6:38. It is biblical to pay all of our bills and avoid excessive debt but Jesus also wanted us to be generous to others in need. The way we handle our money is extremely important in our Christian walk. Jesus talked more about money and finances than any other subject. Our plans for money must be made prayerfully and judiciously. Once you and your spouse form a plan that is God-honoring, submit it to Him and be willing to adjust in the ways that the Lord prompts you. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them. James 4:15-17.

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Good Listening

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Communication involves more than just the words that come out of your mouth, it also involves how well you listen to the other person. There is active listening and passive listening, and also the body language that you carry when you are listening says a lot to the other person about how you feel about what they are saying. To answer before listening— that is folly and shame. Proverbs 18:13. Often we can get more out of the conversation when we quit talking and start listening to the words our spouse is saying. Whenever possible you should stop what you’re doing and give your spouse your full attention. This communicates to them, that what they are saying to you, you value. Nobody wants to feel like they are talking to the wall. What about when your spouse comes to you with issues or a complaint and you are already mentally getting your defense ready? You aren’t really listening to the complaint, because you’re too focused on your next move. If you’re like me you are very guilty of this. I often think, I already know what he’s going to say so I don’t need to focus on it that much. We can have arguments with our spouses and have them not even be involved in the conversation because we already know how they would respond. Let me just remind you, and myself, that we should be praying for our spouses continually, and just because they have responded a certain way in the past, doesn’t mean that God isn’t working within him to change your marriage.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19-20. How are the conversations that you and your spouse having, displaying righteousness? For this week, we can at least focus on listening to what your spouse has to say. I mentioned earlier, active listening but what does that mean? Active listening requires being fully present in the conversation, putting away your cell phone, ignoring distractions, avoiding daydreaming, and shutting down your internal dialogue. Place your focus on your conversation partner and let everything else slip away. Focusing on your spouse’s non-verbal behaviors is just as important. Watch for body language such as folding arms, smiling, and facial expressions. Most importantly be patient while your spouse is talking. Allow the other person to speak without interruption and give them the time to say what they are thinking without having you try to finish their sentences for them. Sometimes the key to avoiding conflict is to do a better job of listening. It is to one’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel. Proverbs 20:3

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Mercy

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God’s mercy includes His kindness, patience, and forgiveness towards us. Think of this, He knows everything we think, say, and do, and yet His mercy extends to us even when we don’t deserve it. So if God is merciful to us, even in our darkest of situations, we must think of how we are merciful to our spouses. Or what about the question, why show mercy to your spouse when you know it’s only a matter of time before he sins against you again? Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23. God’s love never runs out on us, nor does His forgiveness or mercy, therefore we should never run out of any of these for our spouse. Having these God-given attitudes towards our spouse tell them, I know you are a sinner like me, I know that you will sin against me, just as I will sin against you, but I refuse to live constantly on the defense. Instead, I am going to live from a place of mercy that your sin can not take away from me. It is easier to forgive and show mercy when you are already expecting to give those things out. Often we struggle the most with unexpected things. So why do we not expect our spouse to sin against us? Jesus is the only sinless one and we won’t be His bride until the end of the age, so get used to having a sinful spouse, just as he has dealt with his sinful spouse (you).

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:12-13. Kindness is a posture of the heart that flows out of our actions, this behavior in marriage causes us to be others-focused instead of self-focused. Sometimes it is easier to know our triggers from our spouse so hopefully, our buttons don’t get pushed as frequently. Discuss with your spouse what patterns of sin are causing consistent problems and arguments in our marriage. Then, discuss biblical ways of dealing with these problems, i.e. what would Jesus do in this situation. So the next time your spouse sins against you, because you know he will, you have an entire arsenal of appropriate responses to the particular situation. Forbearance is another expression of mercy that can cover both big and little sins. Forbearance however does not mean ignoring or hiding the sin, it means we choose to overlook the sin and wipe the slate clean, offering the same kind of grace of forgiveness that God gives us. Jesus gives us a variety of options for how to deal with sinful people, so when all else fails, open your bible and ask Jesus how to handle the sin/forgiveness issue.

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