Tag: faith

Selfishness

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All people are naturally selfish. We all come into this world selfish. We start as newborns only concerned about our next meal and love from our mothers. As we grow into toddlers we have a hard time sharing anything, as teens we are self-absorbed. Coming into adulthood, unfortunately, we don’t learn how to shed those selfish ambitions. Our culture doesn’t help much with this either. When we hear, have some me time, and follow your heart. Never do we hear people ask about how we have had to compromise or make considerations for others. That’s just not the world that we live in, here in the USA. But this is not the way we are called to live. Jesus tells us to truly love someone, we need to put their needs ahead of our own and be self-sacrificing. Paul tells us, Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Phil 2: 3-4. If we love our husbands the way that we ought to, we should be willing to put our husbands first before ourselves. This does not mean that you don’t have a voice or an opinion, but rather when that line in the sand gets drawn, you need to cling to your husband and put his needs above your own.

Often women view loving someone as having romantic feelings about them and feeling those sparks every time you touch them. That is one kind of love but not the love that Jesus wants us to have for our spouses. That type of love is superficial and fleeting. Jesus died for us because He loved us so much. That is the kind of love we are expected to have with our spouses. Greater love has no one than this, that a person will lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13. I’m sure most of us love our kids in that way but who else can we add to that list? Would that list even include your spouse? If your husband is a believer, he is called to love you in the same way. This is why we are told to marry someone whom we are equally yoked with “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?” 2 Corinthians 6:14-15. Paul is explaining that when one is “yoked” to a partner, this means that two people should equally share the burdens of life and the purpose of their calling in Christ to glorify God. Their work will be light even though there will still be toil because they will be striving to go in the same direction, joyfully burdened for Christ. Their burden will be light because their equal yoke will bring peace and rest. If you are a selfish person, being yoked together with your spouse will leave you feeling like a caged animal. Learning to comprise and find a middle ground will help you go through this life with a lot less weight around your neck.

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Creating a Godly Atmosphere at Home

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One of my biggest pet peeves is hearing someone say, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”. Eye-roll, wow that makes us sound like a bunch of mentally unstable tyrants, doesn’t it? It irritates me partially because it has some truth behind it, but also because it makes women sound so fragile with their emotional state, as well as unable to control their emotions. We are not all incapable of keeping a calm and cool demeanor, nor do we want people to walk on eggshells around us. But then there is that truth component, as wives and mothers we do set the tone of our house. If we are frequently upset about all the chores that don’t get done or are insulted every time the family doesn’t like dinner, that attitude comes across to everyone. One person’s bad mood is more contagious than Covid. The tone of our house should be one of joy, optimism, and delight in the Lord. Peter encourages us as wives and mothers to win our family over with our actions rather than our words. Wives, in the same way, be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without talk by the behavior of their wives.” 1 Peter 3:1. If our family sees us joyfully praising God, seeking His help through prayer and petition, and helping to direct your children in love and truth, they will not only develop respect for you, but they will grow up wanting to have those same qualities.

It is repeated in the bible over and over again that God wants us to praise Him with song. How many times do we walk around the house singing God’s praises? My lips will shout for joy when I sing praises to You; And my soul, which You have redeemed. Psalm 71:23. Are you shouting for joy at all the ways that God has blessed your life? Yeah, me neither, not nearly as much as I should. I’m sure if your kids came home and found you dancing and singing God’s praises, at first they would think you were weird, but then that joy would also creep into their hearts. Our kids are watching us and taking notes from the time they are small until the day we die. It’s one thing to tell them to pray, worship, act Godly, etc, but it’s another to actually act it out for them. Sometimes people don’t know what emotions look like. What does it look like to trust God, to love God, to seek God? Show them by your example, because they are watching you and imitating you. How do you want your kids to reflect your attitude?

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Insecurity

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In America, we have an extremely competitive culture. We are constantly measuring ourselves against others. Am I skinnier than her? Do we make more money than our friends? How many vacations can we afford to go on this year? Yes, we are always trying to one-up and outdo one another constantly. However, this drive for competitiveness can also be very damaging in our marriage. Many husbands have insecurities about not being a good enough provider for their families. After all that is their God-given role as head of the household. So if we are constantly pointing out to them how much bigger our friend’s house is or how many vacations they go, over time those comments start to chip away at your husband’s confidence in his role as provider. Remember that none of us are perfect, we are all flawed and we will all make mistakes. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8-9. Thankfully God loved us in spite of all of our flaws and we should extend the same love to our spouse. Help him embrace his weaknesses while also acknowledging the gifts God has given him to fulfill His purpose in your spouse’s life. The good news? Much like a destructive belief, a healed identity will spread into every area of your life and marriage. Imagine what your marriage would be like void of doubts, comparisons, and the dark cloud of inadequacy.

What if you are the one with the inadequacy issues? All my other friends are much prettier and thinner than I am, how do I deal with that? If you struggle with self-worth, begin your journey to relinquish your insecurities. You likely have negative thoughts like I’m not good enough. I’m such a failure. I’m fat. I’m worthless. These thoughts rob you of joy and damage your marriage. Thinking this way only devalues our relationship with God. We can all too easily forget that we are children of God, and God would never think those terrible things about his own children. And I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.” 2 Corinthians 6:18. Everyone has an internal dialogue that no one else hears. If you rehearse and repeat thoughts that you’re not good enough, you’ll feel anxiety, anger, jealousy, or depression. Consider how destructive thoughts have affected your emotions, and think about how personal insecurities have trickled into your marriage. Imagine what your marriage would be like void of doubts, comparisons, and the dark cloud of inadequacy. Focus on complimenting your spouse for all the good he does. Focus on the good and not the bad.

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Hard to Love

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God is love. We, on the other hand, have to work at it. Sometimes it’s easy for us and sometimes it can be one of the most challenging things that we do. Sometimes loving someone can be hard to love because of their personality, maybe they are harsh, brazen, and love to argue. That can be like trying to hug a porcupine. Some people are warm and friendly and it seems like second nature to love them. So how do we respond to those porcupines in our lives? Love is a choice, my friends, it’s not always an emotion that we feel. So if love is a choice, we are all capable of loving our porcupines. If we are unable to love, the bible tells us that we don’t know God. Beloved, let’s love one another; for love is from God, and everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:7-8. Yikes that can be a hard pill to swallow. What if this difficult porcupine disguises himself from time to time as your spouse? You can’t just get rid of him, or avoid him like you may do with the other porcupines, so you must learn to love in those situations where loving is not easy. If you are lacking love in your marriage, you should not just focus on your marriage and your spouse, but on yourself and your relationship with God. 

If you think your spouse can be difficult to love at times, think of how bad we looked as Christ was dying on the cross for us. At that point in time we were at our most unlovable. We weren’t just porcupines, we were ticking time bombs wrapped in barbed wire. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God remains in us, and His love is perfected in us. 1 John 4:11-12. I don’t know about you but I want God to remain in me as much as possible. Some ways that we can love our spouse include being considerate and gentle with your spouse. We have very little control over how our spouse acts but we do have control over how we respond to him. Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. 1 Corinthians 13:4. How can we extend patience and kindness to our spouse? This week think of ways that you can focus on being patient and kind towards your spouse, especially when he doesn’t deserve it.

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A Wife’s Heart

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We have heard about the desires of our hearts. Delight yourself in the Lord, And He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 But we also know that our heart and our desires can be good, or they can be wicked. So how can we as wives make sure that our hearts of focused on the right things for the right reasons? If we have Godly desires but are unwilling to wait for the Lord’s timing, those desires can turn into idols for us. If you set your desires on obtaining that thing, more than a desire to glorify God, you have made that into an idol. Some sneaky idols can be, good health/physical appearance, children, a loving husband, success, etc. Even though these things seem harmless, you have your heart set on these things and then it doesn’t happen the way you expect it to, it causes frustration and anxiety. “The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9 

As wives, we can have certain expectations of our husbands to act a certain way. This desire is not necessarily a bad one, but the issues arise when we have no control over how our spouse behaves. So then when he fails to meet our expectations-and he will-then we end up disappointed, frustrated, and hurt. Instead of asking God for the desires of YOUR heart, ask Him for the desires of HIS heart. When we start diligently seeking what the Lord wants, your priorities will change from things that will leave you feeling empty and frustrated to things that will give your life purpose and meaning. Some desires just need a little tweaking from God while others, we need a major makeover. Either way, once those desires of your heart, line up with God’s heart, you will grow a more thankful attitude towards God and your spouse. Where do these things fall on our thoughts, our priorities throughout the day, and the control we think we have over them? Search me, God, and know my heart; Put me to the test and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there is any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way. Psalms 139:23-24.

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Dealing With Sin

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There will always be some sort of sin in our marriage because we are sinful people, living in a sinful world. For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23. But everyone’s sin looks different. Some sin you wouldn’t even know is around because it is hidden so well, but no sin can be hidden from God. So the issue becomes not what to do or how to handle if your spouse sins against you, but WHEN your spouse sins against you. We don’t have a lot of control over everything in this world but we do have control over how we respond to different situations. When your spouse sins against you, whether he asks for forgiveness or not, you should graciously bestow forgiveness on him. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32. That is much easier said than done, you don’t know what he has done to me. True some sin can be life-shattering, but put it in the perspective of how you sinned against Christ. Your sins nailed Him to that cross. It was because of your sin that He was beaten, mocked, and betrayed. That is what your sin did to the King of Kings.

Now the bright side, is that we all feel utterly depressed now. The good news is you have been forgiven, wiped clean and since we have been forgiven of so much, we need to further extend that love and grace to our spouses. Remember the parable of the Unforgiving Servant in Matthew 18:21-35. The story of a servant who was forgiven a massive debt, only to refuse forgiveness to another servant who owed a relatively small debt. That is what our debt against Jesus is like compared to our spouse’s sin against us. But since we also sin against our spouse and need forgiveness, we can start at the very beginning and try to get rid of the ways we sin. It all starts with controlling your sinful thoughts. Be aware when you are thinking thoughts that are selfish, vengeful, bitter, or in any way biblical. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. Luke 6:45. So if your mouth is an overflow of your heart. Change what is in your heart. Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives’ tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. 1 Timothy 4:7. If you focus on being more Godly and filling your mind with scripture and songs of praise to our Lord, that will become all you can think and talk about. So fill up on God’s word and watch your behavior and thinking change right before your eyes

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We Need Protection

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God is perfect and in his perfect creation of marriage, he put man in charge of his wife. Paul lays that out for us in 1 Corinthians 11:3 But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ. But don’t worry ladies, no husband has absolute authority over his wife. For example, if your husband asks you to sin, you are not obligated to obey him. You are obligated to obey God first. God put you completely under His law for your protection. Our spouses are only human just like us. They are sinful and they make mistakes. Some husbands are not even believers so their judgment on following God’s word may not always hit the mark, even though they may have the best of intentions. This is why God is our ultimate authority because He is perfect and pure. When we get saved, we go through a process called sanctification, this is where the holy spirit helps mold us into more Christ-like people. Ultimately God wants it so when other people look at us, they see God. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. Romans 8:29

The order of authority is very clear to us throughout scripture but sometimes I wonder why we need the order. Not only is God perfect in His creation but he is also perfect in why He wants things done a certain way. As women, we can be more vulnerable to the lies that this world hurls our way. Finally, be strong in the Lord and the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. Ephesians 6:10-11. The devil is constantly throwing lies our way to see which one of them we will believe and then fall away from God. If you have witnessed some of the deceitful ways the Devil tries to scheme against us, you might want to open your eyes because they are everywhere. Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8. If the devil is constantly prowling around looking for someone to devour, we can safely assume it is the weaker of us, the women and children. So ladies let your husband protect you, seek his advice and his wisdom but above all, test what your husband says and does against the word of God. God is our ultimate protector.

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Conflict Resolution

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Everyone has arguments from time to time. It’s just part of our sinful human nature and marriage is no different. The only difference is you made a commitment to love and honor your spouse until death do you part. So how do you keep the peace while making sure one person is not constantly favored over another? First, we make sure that the argument of, “you always get things your way”, stays out of the conversation. Focus on the problem at hand and don’t accuse your spouse of “always” or “never” behaving a certain way. Putting your spouse on the defensive is never wise. The best way to communicate with your spouse is to know what to say and what not to say. Just because a thought comes to your mind, does not mean it needs to be vocalized. If anyone thinks himself to be religious, yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this person’s religion is worthless. James 1:26. We live in a fallen world, and our natural tendencies are to focus on ourselves and attempt to impose our will on others. Often by trying to get things done “my way” we can end up causing communication breakdowns and barriers. This selfish ambition can leave our spouses with hurt feelings or battle wounds that can take years to heal. Wounded relationships, broken families, and a discouraging lack of peace and satisfaction are just a few of the consequences that can mar a marriage.

Fortunately for us, God provides us with a blueprint of how we should walk through our marriages. When you have a disagreement, try to remember to try to identify the core issue. Arguments often arise because of events or issues that disguise the real problem. Consider what attitudes or beliefs are motivating your behavior for clues as to what the core issue in any conflict is. It is easy to get sidetracked in an argument and start battling things that aren’t even the main issue. We are also reminded not to go to bed angry. Disputes need to be settled or at least come to some sort of agreement by the end of the day. Some issues can take days or weeks to sort out, but you must not allow that distance and anger between you and your spouse, otherwise the Devil will have no problem settling in between your relationship. Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27.

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Don’t Lose Heart

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As each new year rings in, it is one more year that your marriage has continued to grow and mature. As married Christians we have the extraordinary honor of watching each other grow spiritually and watching our inner selves become more renewed day by day while our outer selves decay. How is it that both things can happen simultaneously? It’s an adventure in irony, made possible by the gospel, the only real treasure in our brittle jars of clay. From an earthly standpoint, as we age, our bodies are in worse shape than ever. Our minds are fading day by day, our bodies are failing us more and more, and it keeps on this trajectory until we go home to be with the Lord. Is there any comfort we can take in this irony? Paul says, For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 2 Corinthians 4: 11-12.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. Paul reminds us to not lose heart and that these troubles that we face are momentary. When you are dealing with troubles in your marriage, it doesn’t feel momentary, after all, aren’t you supposed to stay married until death do you part? Will the day come when God asks us to suffer with a spouse, to love and care for them through a trial?

Remember that even our trials in this life are momentary. Remember when Jesus was hanging on the cross listening to the two thieves on either side of Him? Finally one of them realizes who Jesus is, telling the other thief, We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”
Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”
Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.” Luke 23:40-43.
Did you see that, Jesus knew His suffering was temporary and He and this man would both be in heaven shortly? The same is true for us. All the suffering of this life is only temporary and one day we will close our eyes and when we open them again we will be in the presence of the Lord. Marriage in this life is preparing us for the marriage we will be a part of in Heaven. The Marriage Supper of the Lamb. Our marriages here are an imperfect picture of what we are looking forward to enjoying in an eternal relationship with our savior. No matter what you are going through in your marriage, remember this earthly marriage is flawed and imperfect but one day Christ will return for His bride and we will have a wedding feast like no other. Along with an awesome wedding celebration, we will have a perfect marriage with Christ, so finish the race, don’t lose heart, and keep your eye on the prize (Jesus).

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Mercy

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God’s mercy includes His kindness, patience, and forgiveness towards us. Think of this, He knows everything we think, say, and do, and yet His mercy extends to us even when we don’t deserve it. So if God is merciful to us, even in our darkest of situations, we must think of how we are merciful to our spouses. Or what about the question, why show mercy to your spouse when you know it’s only a matter of time before he sins against you again? Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23. God’s love never runs out on us, nor does His forgiveness or mercy, therefore we should never run out of any of these for our spouse. Having these God-given attitudes towards our spouse tell them, I know you are a sinner like me, I know that you will sin against me, just as I will sin against you, but I refuse to live constantly on the defense. Instead, I am going to live from a place of mercy that your sin can not take away from me. It is easier to forgive and show mercy when you are already expecting to give those things out. Often we struggle the most with unexpected things. So why do we not expect our spouse to sin against us? Jesus is the only sinless one and we won’t be His bride until the end of the age, so get used to having a sinful spouse, just as he has dealt with his sinful spouse (you).

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:12-13. Kindness is a posture of the heart that flows out of our actions, this behavior in marriage causes us to be others-focused instead of self-focused. Sometimes it is easier to know our triggers from our spouse so hopefully, our buttons don’t get pushed as frequently. Discuss with your spouse what patterns of sin are causing consistent problems and arguments in our marriage. Then, discuss biblical ways of dealing with these problems, i.e. what would Jesus do in this situation. So the next time your spouse sins against you, because you know he will, you have an entire arsenal of appropriate responses to the particular situation. Forbearance is another expression of mercy that can cover both big and little sins. Forbearance however does not mean ignoring or hiding the sin, it means we choose to overlook the sin and wipe the slate clean, offering the same kind of grace of forgiveness that God gives us. Jesus gives us a variety of options for how to deal with sinful people, so when all else fails, open your bible and ask Jesus how to handle the sin/forgiveness issue.

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